


and tell me you need me

by protect_rosie



Series: take my hand, take my whole life too [2]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Break Up, Heartache, M/M, post-loss feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-15
Updated: 2017-05-15
Packaged: 2018-10-31 21:13:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10907571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/protect_rosie/pseuds/protect_rosie
Summary: They sit. They stare at each other in silence. They do nothing. They don’t speak.





	and tell me you need me

**Author's Note:**

> i dont even know where to begin abt my feelings that came to be bc of the way the season ended i think like many caps fans i was hoping that this was their year like how could it not be w the way they played all season it just really fucking sucks bc this team is never going to be the same which both makes me teriffied and excited for whats to come (see: ufa signings, expansion draft, trades)
> 
> anyway this is just me dealing w the possibility that the greatest goalie tandem of all time might not get to play together next season so that being said this can be read as a stand alone but it will make a bit more sense if u read [this](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10772631) first 
> 
> title from _.com pt. ii_ by motionless in white bc im an emo fuck that thinks all their songs are so good (except for _schitzophrenicannibalisticsexfest.com_ which im assuming is the first part to the aforementioned song that one is, Not Good)
> 
> comments and kudos are always very much appreciated!
> 
> enjoy!

After their season is abruptly cut short, Philipp drives them home in silence. 

Braden’s once again doing the thousand yard stare, just looking straight ahead, and nowhere else. It’s tough, Philipp more than understands, he’s been in this same situation with Braden more than once now. It’s going to be tough for a long time, he knows, but he’s more than prepared to stand by the man he’s been standing by for a while now. Now is not the time to hit and run, not that it ever is. 

Philipp wishes he could do more for Braden, wishes there was something he could to do make the pain and disappointment go away. There’s nothing he can do, but stand by Braden just like he has all this time, to hold his hand while he deals with his feelings. So, the only thing he  _ can  _ do is be a comforting presence, and that’s all.

He takes them to Braden’s place. It’s more out of habit than an order. Philipp considers Braden’s place home, so when Braden had asked for Philipp to drive them  _ home,  _ he’d immediately started driving over. They go through their usual post-loss routine; take off their coats and put them in the hallway closet, then proceed to take their shoes off and pile on top of each other on the couch, and mope for a bit before going to bed. Their routine works ok for most nights, lets them be together and enjoy each other’s company for a bit, before they have to be up and hit the ground running. 

Their routine doesn’t seem like it’s going to work tonight, however. Braden’s giving him the icy shoulder again, even though they  _ talked about this,  _ not even bothering to look Philipp in the eyes.

“We need to talk,” Braden says as soon as they walk in the door. Philipp’s heart drops at that; he hasn’t been in that many serious relationships, but he knows what  _ we need to talk  _ means. It  _ always  _ means the same thing. “We should, uh, sit down first.”

They sit. They stare at each other in silence. They do nothing. They don’t speak.

“Thought you said we needed to talk,” Philipp says, trying his hardest to not give away how scared he feels. “So, then, let’s talk.”

“I think we should break up.”

Philipp’s blood runs cold, he feels dizzy, there’s a lump in his throat that makes it almost impossible to breathe. They were doing so well, making real progress in their relationship, communicating more than ever, better than ever before. The whole making up after Philipp’s  _ I’m all in this  _ speech lead Philipp to believe they were good. 

Why wouldn’t it do that?

“Break up for the summer, or what?” Philipp asks, even though he knows exactly what Braden means. He’s hoping that maybe he can speak it into existence, to stop this whole thing from happening. 

Braden doesn’t look at him, hasn’t been looking at him this whole time. 

“No, I, uh, I meant break up for good. I just don’t think what’s going on between us is the best for us right now. Maybe when we’re a little older, and a little more settled, maybe then. I just don’t think we can be together right now; I’m sorry.”

Philipp’s angry now - since when does an  _ individual  _ make relationship decisions for  _ more than one person?  _

He tells Braden as much.

“Alright, you know what?” Braden’s angry too now. “I can’t be with you anymore, the feelings I thought I had for you are gone. I can’t, uh, look at you anymore. There’s just something about you that I can’t handle anymore; I’m sorry, but it’s the truth.”

His outburst is weird, for the lack of a better word. Braden’s never spoken to him like that, he’s never hinted at the fact that their relationship could even be one-sided. It hurts, it makes Philipp’s chest feel tight, like he wants to cry for days. He knows Braden is hurting too, hell, he’s probably been hurting since last year. Still. Nothing that they’ve ever gone through could’ve prepared Philipp for this.

“Well, if that’s how you really feel, then I guess there’s nothing I can do about it,” he says, trying hard to keep his voice steady, trying hard to hold himself upright. He gets up and takes a deep breath before saying, “I’ll be back for my stuff tomorrow after the exit interviews, please don’t be here; I don’t think I can look at you again.”

Braden calls after him. Philipp doesn’t look back. 

//

Philipp doesn’t sleep that night. 

Instead, he calls his agent and tells him to tell the German National Team that he’s going to Worlds. If he can’t end his stay in Washington on a positive note, then at least he can end his season representing his country.

//

He doesn’t look at Braden at all during the whole pack up process, doesn’t even glance his way. No one seems to notice. Philipp’s thankful for that. He doesn’t think he can deal with anyone asking questions about Braden right now, doesn’t think he ever will. 

Braden’s in the middle of his interview when Philipp leaves. 

It’s probably going to be the last time they see each other before Philipp goes back to Germany for the summer.

//

After he gets to Braden’s place, Philipp stays in his car for a while. He looks at his keys and tries to imagine what his key chain is going to look like when he returns Braden’s key. It’ll look empty, probably. 

There’s no turning back.

//

Philipp doesn’t have many things at Braden’s house, just a toothbrush, a pair of pants, and some shirts - Braden’s always insisted that he try to leave as little evidence of himself as possible. They haven’t really told the team about themselves,  _ no use telling them anything now,  _ Philipp thinks bitterly. But, they also didn’t deny anything, never tried to hide themselves from them. 

There’s no way the team didn’t know anything went on between them. 

He’s on his way out when Braden and Nate walk in. They’re talking about who knows what, laughing and making wild gestures with their hands as they tell a story. They both look at him like he’s an intruder, like he doesn’t belong - he doesn’t know how he could look different - which, really thinking about it, he  _ is  _ now. 

He can’t move, stuck like a deer in headlights.

“Oh, hey Grubbie,” Nate says, looking confused and happy at the same time. “I didn’t know you’d come here too.”

“I didn’t know either,” Braden says. “I bet he’s leaving now.”

Philipp kinda wants to scream at Braden. 

“I am,” Philipp sighs. “It was good seeing you, Nate. Goodbye, Braden.”

He exits the house with his head held high. He’s at his car, ready to put the bag he’d taken with him inside, when Braden walks up to him.

“Yeah, yeah, I won’t say anything. Can I go now? I’ve got a plane to catch.”

“A plane, to where?”

Philipp rolls his eyes, but says, “To Germany, where else?”   


Braden goes silent.

“I think you made it more than clear last night that I’m not welcome here anymore. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I want to go back home now.”

He throws his bag in the car and slams the door. 

  
There’s nothing left for him here. 

**Author's Note:**

> reach me over @ **grubauers** on tumblr to scream abt these two or the caps!


End file.
